


to the ones who left us

by audentis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mild Fluff, Post-Break Up, i promise its not too bad though, im sorry to the bokuaka stans who just want to be happy, self-indulgent and crammed :D
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audentis/pseuds/audentis
Summary: To the ones who left us, thank you for the warmth, the memories, the wistful love, and the euphoric adulation.To the ones who left us, but did you have to steal away those bandaged hopes and threaded dreams when you took your leave?To the ones who left us, life must go on even in your absence, even when the walls are torn down, and the heart hardens and shatters into two.To the ones who left us, but maybe you never truly stay gone.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	to the ones who left us

**Author's Note:**

> hihi everyone!! its been a while since ive posted so here's an angst fic!! i promise this is gonna be a happy ending huhuhu i could never end this badly (you'll see why) also this is super experimental since i didnt use my normal writing style so please let me know what you think of it its a bit all over the place to be honest but anyways hope you enjoy!!

_1\. To the ones who left us, thank you for the warmth, the memories, the wistful love, and the euphoric adulation._

The silence was deafening, and the weight of ten thousand suns came crashing onto his shoulders, yet as he slid his shoes into the rack, he could only sigh. He would have, could have, no, should have expected this. It had been going on for weeks now, or was it months? Fuck, he did not even know what month it was anymore. Maybe it was January, he wondered, but that could not be right. It was January the last time he checked, and he was sure a couple of weeks had passed since then. So, maybe it was March, but the off-season started last week, so it could not be March. _Then what the hell was it?_

A fumble for his phone, and a flip to the calendar gave the long awaited answer. _April_. He was not too far off, thankfully, he hadn’t lost completely himself just yet.

“Ji, you home yet?” The silence was deafening, and the weight of ten thousand suns came crashing onto his shoulders, only his unanswered inquiry echoed through the house. Weird, Bokuto thought he saw his car as he was coming in, albeit on the sidewalk instead of the garage. His shoes were in the rack too, the only spot left empty was where the house slippers should have been.

“Ji?” In all truth, Bokuto knew where his fiance was. He would have been a good-for-nothing partner if he did not, but it was late, and his muscles ached, and he did not feel like getting into another incindearic argument at half past eleven on a thursday evening. So, he avoided the home office altogether, like he had been doing so callously doing for the past three and a half months, and proceeded to the bedroom.

_Shit._

He had not been at the office, he factually realized that a fraction of a nanosecond after he cracked open the door to reveal the already tucked in figure, who seemed to display the same surprise at actually being less than five feet away from the other.

“Kou?” He momentarily looked up from the screen in a mix of confusion, and bottled anguish.

“Uh, I thought you were working.”

“Mhm, I just finished.” The other said, a flash of the blazing blue computer screen glinting on his glasses as he returned his attention to the more immediate task at hand. “And how was your day?”

He dropped his bag down with a resounding _thump_ , too loud. He looked to the floor and heaved a sigh, too deep. “It was fine, I guess.” He responded with a practiced smile, too forced. “How about you?”

This game of rephrased question rotation could have gone on for hours, really it was the only thing they ever talked about these days. _How was your day? Fine, and you? Good, so what did you do today? Nothing much, how about you? Mhm, not a lot._ And on, and on the broken record went, spinning round and round and round on the platter, only ever stopping because of some errand that needed to be run, or some deadline needed to be accomplished, or somewhat or something, or someone.

“Um, Ji?” He asked without really weighing the accusation before it rolled out his tongue. “Have you been seeing anyone recently?”

The soft clicking of the keys stopped, the dead silence that seemed to follow every conversation set in, except this time, it was accompanied by much heavier sentiments “What?”

 _Shit._ “No, no, fuck, not like that.” He stammered, as the scales balanced out the thoughts that had latched onto his mind like a blood sucking parasite. “I meant coworkers, friends, have you been, like, talking to anyone while you’ve been cooped up in here for the last few months?”

“Oh.” Relief set back in, and the calm, assuredness of the man who had walked on the edge of yesterday, and tomorrow yet decided to do nothing returned. “Yeah, I’ve been talking to the editorial staff a lot, the big project requires us to be all hands on deck. Why?”

“Um, nothing. Just wanna make sure you’re still connected with the outside world, and that you’re still talking to people.” _Even when that should have been me._

A frown did not mean much these days, a smile was too much of a rarity to be expected. “I’m fine, really, but thank you for checking up on me.” It sounded like something that would be said to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, rather than your life partner of almost a decade, or a loved one coming with unvoiced worry for someone who had been detached for too long which was closer to the truth, really. Supposedly, it was both.

“How’s Aki?” And the weight of ten thousand suns shifted to be shared between the two rather than to stay on the shoulders of one.

“He’s doing good, really good, making new friends, getting good grades, his teacher’s say he’s an angel, which I suppose he is, isn’t he? He wanted to show you his project from school, but it was already way past his bedtime so I told him maybe some other time.” The words were spoken with a kind of soft fondness, and it was like old times again, two years ago maybe, where they would sit on the bed that was still occupied by two, or three really, reading the bedtime story of the night with the little boy they promised to care for, and love with all their hearts. Not that they did not, but how could they love with all their hearts, if they floated at an indecisive crossroad, not being able to pick between love and passion. But one should not mistake tenderness as reciprocation, nor should the hesitation of divulging information be ignored.

“It’s my turn to bring him tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, don’t be late.” A reminder usually reserved for the morning, but whether they would cross paths in the morning was already slotted to be the big question of the day.

“Alright then.” A kiss for good night, a simple peck on the cheek, but it was stiff, and the other recoiled, only in the slightest. He should not attempt it again next time, if there was one. “Good night, Ji.”

No “I love you” or “sleep well”, just “good night”. Maybe that’s what nine years down the drain looked like, or did the ninth really count? It had been months since they’d spent any time together. It had been months since they had even taken a break from their respective works. Not a short breather, or a coffee run or those five hours of troubled sleep in a bed that had barely been occupied by two. A proper break, a vacation, a trip to anywhere but the hell that was the city, even just one day of peace could have been considered a luxury, but it was one they did not have the fortune of having. Even calls were starting to become a rarity, swipes to the speed dial turned into swipes to daily schedules and office group chats which turned into swipes through documents and work files which turned into the phone being long abandoned, and traded in for the laptop with the flattened keys, and the fifteen tabs of deadlines.

All things considered, maybe the ninth should not be counted, nor the eighth if you were to count it as the start of this labored drifting apart. Bokuto was certain though, that anything before November still counted, but anything after December did not. He still had not apologized for his absence on the fifth of the conspicuous month.

“Good night, Kou.”

_2\. To the ones who left us, but did you have to steal away those bandaged hopes and threaded dreams when you took your leave?_

The process of falling out of love was so gradual, so gentle for such a thing, it surprised both when they realized what this, whatever this was to them, had become.

What was _this_? It was the new question plaqued on the top of the wheel that spun in an endless loop. Was it their relationship, or could that term even still be used as a descriptor? Was it their plan for the future, one that involved the angel that had been sent down into their lives, and whom they promised to love with all their heart even when it became apparent that that was an impossibility. Was it a dream, then? A dream of a perfect reality, that merely existed in the minds of wound up lovers who, with bandaged hopes and threaded dreams, had not yet tasted the bitter tears of the universe.

Whatever the case, _this_ needed a representation, and people found it easier to grasp the abstract if they found tangible footing to them. In this case, the foothold was a ring, two rings rather, gold bands that symbolized theoretical infinity, and the promise to journey hand-in-hand into the great beyond. But there was a reason why the metaphysical preferred to stay conjectural in nature, _survival_. Because all physicalities came to an end, through some feasible, and unfortunate occurrence, and nothing was exempt from this rule, not even the very symbol of infinity.

The incidence of this detachment had only propagated the fissure to widen its maws, and swallow the earth beneath them whole, foothold included. Yet, this did not pose any similarities to when you braced for a storm to make landfall, because the silence of the attack was deafening, and the swiftness of the blade was astounding, for a warning was not sounded, nor was time given to prepare. Such was the case when the gold band of eternity was laid, slammed really, onto the wooden table.

“We can’t keep doing this.” The younger said, watching the metal sink into the timber, thumbing the indentation of the point of impact.

“Ji.”

“This, whatever this has become, it’s not working.” He said, as the acid, the bitterness he had finally gotten a taste of, crept up his throat. “Don’t you see it too?”

“Nine years.” The other started, with no ounce of surprise evidence in his tone.

“And nine years too long.” He replied with too little sincerity, and too much of every other emotion, for a statement of this gravity. “

We can fix this, please.”

A shake of a head, it was not dismay, it was not in desperation to hide the tears, more of an unwillingness to accept the aggrieved truth. “We’re already passed our expiration point, we’re too broken, Kou. Everything we’ve built, everything we dreamed about in high school, I should have known it was never a sustainable vision to begin with.”

The silence returned, and it was louder than ever, it screamed, it yelled, it shattered cracked glass, and sharded window panes. It echoed through the walls of the home they had built up from nothing. In some ways, it too symbolized everything they had hoped for as love struck teenagers back in high school. They had a family, a son who was perfect in every right, and jobs that they loved a little too much.

“Fights are normal, all relationships hit a hard patch one way or another. It’s an unavoidable truth, but there’s always a solution.”

“We don’t even talk anymore. We’ve hit rough patches before, I know that more than anyone, but _this_ , this isn’t one of them. There is no way out of this.” sounded the man who had walked the edge of yesterday and tomorrow, and had already seen through the smokescreen in front of him, and yet had decided to do nothing about it. “Maybe a year ago, or a month ago, hell, maybe even a week ago, this could have been avoided, but it’s been a year, a month, a week too long, and the opportunity slipped through our fingers even when we did not know it was there.”

The other stared at the band of eternity that sat dejected, long forgotten on the dining table. Was it wrong that, at this moment, he did not feel surprise, or denial, or the slightest bit of anger? Was it wrong that his heart felt freer, like he expected this, wanted this to happen? He too, had walked the border of yesterday and tomorrow, and he too, had already seen through the excuses, and the empty promises, and the thinly veiled lies that flew through the air in a serendipitous dance. Yet, no words were exchanged as he picked up the golden band that was supposed to symbolize an eternity, and placed it, desolately, in his pocket. With it went the booming silence, with it went the choking air around them, with it went those nine years.

“Indulge me one last time, yeah? Will you regret this?”

“No.” The answer came too fast, too empty, too insincere, but he could have believed anything in that moment, when the world stopped turning, and the clock stopped ticking, and their lives as they knew it effectively stopped moving forward. “Will you?”

“No.” They were freer, they were happier, right? They wanted this, they both wanted this.

“Goodbye, Kou.”

_3\. To the ones who left us, life must go on even in your absence, even when the walls are torn down, and the heart hardens and shatters into two._

If they could not give their whole hearts to loving the one they had sacrificed all of this for, maybe they could fulfill, even at least a sliver of the promise. Either way, they did all of it for him. So maybe that’s why they endured all those times where one too many hours was spent in their no longer shared home, just to please the child who did not know of the broken love, or those times where impromptu trips were requested, and were granted all the same, just to see the smile that was brighter than the sun, spread across his face. And maybe that’s why there were no harsh words thrown, no landmines detonated, when an “I love you” flew through the air, despite no other soul being in the room.

The child bounced on the younger’s lap as he happily scribbled on the paper-lined counter top. The phone that was no longer forgotten, was placed next to the box of crayons after the click rang through the line, signalling the end to the conversation.

“Dada!” The child lept off, and sped towards the man who had just come through the door, who immediately scooped him in his arms and embraced the laughing boy like he was the only thing that he had left in the cruel world, and maybe that was closer to the truth than any of them realized at that moment.

“Hey, Aki! Dada missed you so much!” “But I just saw Dada yesterday.” The boy said, still smiling, but with a little confusion now. He did not yet know of the broken love and the unfixable rift that had come between his parents.

“Yeah, but you’re so cute! I get sad every time I have to leave you!”

“Then why doesn’t Dada come back to live here?”

Busy at work was the flimsy excuse they had come up with to explain why he had moved out, and frankly, the band-aid would not hold on for much longer, secrets did tend to never last. “Dada will come back when he’s ready, yeah?” He said, mustering just enough joy to the surface to push down the hint of grief, and regret, knowing that that was more of an impossibilty that anything. But the child did not know that, he did not need too just yet.

“Keiji.” The other only nodded, smiling distantly, but it was not from happiness towards his arrival, anything else actually. His son radiating pure joy, or the phone call through the line that had just ended, or the fact that he had just taken his first break from work in over two years.

“That’s good to hear.” The older said, as he helped clean up. Family dinners were a joint endeavour after all, and he had some shred of decency left in him, even as his thoughts spiralled out of control.

“Yeah, I forgot what it was like getting more than six hours of sleep.” Another smile, it was like the old days. Cleaning up after dinner, heading up to read a bedtime story, tucking the boy into bed, before falling asleep in the bed that had still been occupied by two, blissfully unaware that two years, and three months later, that reality could be farther than the truth.

 _You seem happier._ He desperately wanted to say followed by the question he desperately wanted to ask, but curse the soul and curse the racing mind, for only the question tumbled out of his mouth. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“I-Koutarou.”

“Please, I just want to know, so that it’s not weird when Aki meets them.”

The silence, the deafening silence returned, after more than three months it set its foot into the room once again, and hung in the air, choking, suffocating.

“Yes.” The single word was enough to cut through the unbreathable air, but his lungs would not contract all the same. He expected freedom, he expected happiness for him, he expected anything but the crushing weight of ten thousand suns dropped onto his shoulders, yet maybe he should have expected this. And maybe, he should not have asked.

“Are you happy?”

“Of course.”

“Then, congratulations. I’m happy for you.”

The younger smiled in appreciation, he’s been doing it a lot more now, smiling. When was the last time he had seen him this happy, months? Years was a better estimate. But the now was more important than the bygone, so he was happy for him. At least, that was what he told himself. Over and over again, he repeated the declaration like it was a pledge. That’s why he asked the question, because whatever the answer, he would support his former love, anything to see him happy. Or did he ask out of curiosity, jealousy from that quiet “I love you” that was uttered through the line bridging two new hearts together. But why was jealousy a factor when he promised there would be no regret. But why had insincerity been a factor, if he meant what he had said all those weeks ago.

_You want him to be happy, and you’re happy for him. You want him to be happy, and you’re happy for him. You want him to be happy, and you’re happy for him._

Maybe if he said it enough, he would come to believe in his own words. Maybe if he said it enough, he would feel a spark of joy as well. Maybe if he said it enough, he would finally be able to let go of the love that he had lost long ago.

_4\. To the ones who left us, but maybe you never truly stay gone._

“Night, night, Aki! Sleep tight, ok?”

“Night, night, Dada!” The little boy’s eyes shone with the purest awe and admiration for his father. He wanted to play in the big leagues one day, he wanted to be just like his dad! But he wondered, would he still want to be like him after he found out he was the reason he could not have both his parents?

The child waved, and he waved back as the lights went out and the door was closed. It had been a year, a whole fucking year, and still he could not bear it when his son asked when he was coming home, like he was some soldier who was sent off to fight some war, rather than wallowing in self-pity for actions he had inflicted on himself. He could not even tell him he had been living a lie, that his parents had fallen out of love, that they could not even deliver on the failed promise they had spoken off, that they could not even give all their hearts to loving him.

“Keiji, you alright?”

The man sat motionless for a moment, before setting the phone face down on the dining table. “Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine.” He said, but he himself seemed to contradict his claims.

“Is it work?” The older asked, as he gazed on the tired face of the man he had once loved, or maybe still loved, he never could decide. “You can talk to me, you know?”

“Mhm, it’s nothing, really. Just tired, and desperately in need of another vacation.”

“How are you and-”

“We broke up.” He did not even try to mask the bitterness at the tip of his tongue, nor the hot tears streaming down his face. “We broke up.” He said, a whisper of what it had been.

 _Oh._ The phone lay dead, forgotten once again, just as it had been in the month of what was supposed to be their ninth year of companionship. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s alright.” A dismissive wave of a hand, followed by the rubbing of sleep forgotten eyes, and the pinch of the forehead. “It was never supposed to last in the first place. It didn’t have what we had.”

“And what was that?”

He took off his glasses, and turned them in his hands, like he used too, and supposedly still did, careful avoiding the lenses as to not to get a particle of dust on them. “You know what I mean.” He said through a half-smirk.

“Yeah, yeah I do actually.”

He thumbed the imprint created by the broken symbol of eternity, slammed into the wooden table last time Spring came. It had been an end-to-end year since then, yet as he looked out at another warm April, the memory still flashed fresh in his mind.

“Do you regret it?”

“Do I regret what?”

“Any of it, parts of it, all of it?”

Emotions did not run deep, and did not attach puppet strings, his head stopped spinning months ago, there was nothing to be worried about, so the answer came easily. “Yes. All of it.”

The other merely hummed at the response, his coming out in no more than a whisper. “Good, I’m glad I'm not the only one.”

The silence set in, but it was not deafening. It was a soft breeze that tickled your ears, a gentle wind that lazily threw leaves into a whirlwind spiral. It was not heavy, it was not suffocating, for the first time in years, he could breathe.

“Would you do it again even if you knew it would end this way?” The younger asked, wistfully.

“Who said it ended?”

The gold band of eternity he wore no longer felt like the weight of ten thousand suns strapped to his finger, nor did its counterpart, threaded through the thin chain which was often mistaken as an accessory choice, more than a remembrance of love forgotten. He slipped it out, and held it up to the blazing April sun.

“It’s the fifth today.”

“Hm, and it is.” He said with a smile, reminiscent of the same warm April five years ago to the day, the first time in their Osaka apartment. Gold on gold, the glistening of the rings in the velvet box, and the promises of forever engraved into the metal.

_Until the very end._

He held up the very same, the ones that had withstood the years, the smiles, the tears, the laughs, the fights. They were eternity when eternity could not be grasped physically. They were their foothold, the reminder of what they were, who they were, everything they had built, and everything that had come crashing down. They were a reminder of who they were doing this for, and while that must have been clouded in some happenstance cloud of doubt, and insecurity, the glint of gold reminded them of why they had survived the battering of the storm, for whom they had gone through, and endured all of it for.

Because at the end of the day, that is what defined their relationship. It was not the internal warring, nor the distance that had grown between them. It was not the time spent in work, that greatly outweighed that which was spent at home. It was love. Their love for each other, their love for their son, endearing love.

“Akaashi Keiji, will you let me love you again?”

“Of course, Koutarou. And for the record, I never stopped loving you either.”

**Author's Note:**

> things i'd like to clear up  
> 1\. yes, their anniversary (in all my fics really) is on April 5 aka 4/5  
> 2\. their son's name is Akira (constant in all my fics too) and you might be seeing more of him later ;)  
> 3\. it's set in osaka not tokyo since msby is apparently based in osaka 
> 
> anyways hope you liked it! also im sorry if i made you sad :(( if you suggested ideas for this fic on twt and they weren't included dont worry theyll be in my next fics 😆
> 
> if you want to scream at me:  
> Twitter: @sakuspvce


End file.
